The sun is shining. I have been told to buck up. The day is lovely. It is.

I was not expecting to be seeing it from this window. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today.

So what if the op was cancelled because of lack of beds? Buck up, don’t dwell.

Anticpation and preparation for an operation is not only on the hospital side.

It doesn’t matter how minor it is, the emotional preparation is still the same.

Still, buck up, don’t dwell, don’t wallow.

We tried to ring you before you left so you wouldn’t make the journey- well, we tried an hour before you were due here, when you live over forty minutes away and were allowing for traffic, roadworks , parking and finding the unit. Sorry.

There are no beds available and because you are a pre-planned op we are cancelling you. We’ll try to get you back in , well at least get you a date. The office will open Monday. If you haven’t heard by Friday… do you have the unit’s number?

No, the only one the letter gives is the ward where I don’t have a bed anymore.

Sorry. Here, ring the switchboard if you haven’t heard by Friday. But go and have something to eat now as you’ve been nil by mouth since early this morning.

That’s okay, it’s only early stageĀ  so a delay won’t matter much, I say.

The nervous energy that has kept me going until now leaves with a whoosh. Like a deflating balloon. But the pin that pricked is still stuck inside, its sharp point trying to get out.

Back home and I have to buck up, don’t dwell, don’t wallow.

I am sorry I am not smiling right now. Maybe tomorrow.